"Never give up on something you really want. It’s difficult to wait, but worse to regret."
"And then there’s that one moment. The moment when you’ve figured out just how much you’ve really let go, how much you’ve grown. It takes you back a step and it makes you think. It’s that moment when you can’t look back yet you can’t seem to look too far into the future. It’s the moment you realize you’re living for yourself and no one else. Never let go of that moment."
I am happy to find myself again, realizing that every pain that I felt, every dramas I conquered and every moments that challenged my sanity actually have a reason. I thank God for the sanity, courage and the never ending realizations that in his time everything will be fine. My maturity level grew over time and I am proud of myself because I was resilient and determined enough to face life and its dark times.
To my happy pill… :)
This week has been amazing and I cannot thank you enough for all the good things that have happened. I am happy that despite my emotional turmoils at work I decided to stay and remained as steadfast as possible. Thank you for guiding my decisions and for finally giving me the sign that it’s about time. It’s all about perfect timing.
I know I should have rejoiced because I nailed it but for me it’s not yet the time. The moment I decided to step up is the same moment I decided to welcome more dramas and more challenges — also great chances for victories and lessons learned. It’s about time I develop and influence people. It’s about time to be someone. Thanks for giving me all the patience in the world, for time to unravel fully my maturity and for simply being positive despite my miseries. My life isn’t perfect but I don’t want to drown myself into the negative waves. I am resilient enough to face each challenge.
My life is now about to change. Thanks for this positive change God. I’ll learn a lot from the experience.
I am still bargaining though to finally have it all at the same time. A blooming career life and a happy heart is what I need. Ahmmmm… please? Anyhoo, thanks for giving me a best guy friend who has been there for me through good times and the bad, who constantly believes in my prowess, who cares for me when I do crazy things and who loves me in a different kind of way. I love him too. **blushing
Howkay! Enough of the cheesy stuffs. God, please take care of my old champ Riji who is now in dog heaven. I’ll surely miss him. You know how much I love him and how it pains me knowing that he’s gone but I know he’s in a better place. :(
God, I’m still weak. I still have unsettled issues so I still need a lot of help. I trust you and I know that every failure has a reason, every tears I cried has its purpose and every pain has its story that I can share to others. Lord, thank you for everything because I’ve learned to be mature enough to face the world.
Thanks and I love you.
JULY 1, 2014
I’ve already planned out our first kiss, but you don’t know it. We’re at the back of a bar with some friends, the lights low and slightly red, and everyone is dancing. Something sexy and bass-heavy is playing, one of those electronica songs that starts to feel like an extension of your own heartbeat if you don’t pay attention to the lyrics. We’re laughing, we’re talking, just a little too close on the back booth, watching everyone dance as we debate getting another drink (we both know we’re going to get one). And suddenly, we’re kissing. It’s unclear who even kissed whom, it was just one of those times where two people start talking so closely that their lips just start touching, and the end of their sentence just sort of fades into a kiss. And at first it’s sort of proper — embarrassed, even, why are we doing this? — but then it turns into something much more reckless, much more urgent.
But this could never happen, because you don’t know me. I mean, of course, you know me — but I am no one important to you. I am the friend, the confidante, the girl you go to when you’re looking for someone to laugh with or grab a beer with, not someone you imagine pressed against you in a doorway, or talking about life naked at 3 AM when we should be sleeping. Our relationship, for you, is very simple. We both have our own lives, and we intersect occasionally, in a perfectly platonic way. When you go home at night, the evening is done. But for me, it’s just begun, because I’ll be staring at my ceiling in the dark, thinking about you over and over until I can finally fall asleep.
Wanting someone you can’t have is one of the most painful things you can experience, in an almost physical way. It’s this awful weight in your stomach that never quite goes away, pulling you down, preventing you from concentrating at work, constantly reminding you that there is something great and wonderful that is just an inch or so out of your reach. And when you can see this person in a platonic context — when you can laugh, talk, have a friendly lunch — it’s all the worse. It’s being so close to something you need, but only getting a shell of it, only getting the two-dimensional version that highlights everything you still don’t have. Learning not to say “I think about you all the time,” or “Please touch me” becomes an art form, something you do to fit in and get along, like wearing a sensible skirt to the office or a bathing suit to the beach.
Sometimes I think that I’ll say something, that I’ll have a bit to much to drink and the words will pour out of me like whiskey from the bottle. And while doing so would undoubtedly be a relief, there is nothing that terrifies me more. Because then, what would I do? What would I have left to think about at night? If I say something, I run the risk of hearing “No,” or worse, nothing at all. You could tell me (without really saying anything at all) that you don’t feel the same, that this was all in my head, that I was imagining everything. And living in limbo feels good, it feels safe. What would I do with a “no?” How could it sit still in my head? So I say nothing.
But I want you. I want you in a way that is hard to control, hard to keep a secret, hard to fit into my body. I feel like I am constantly bursting at the seams, struggling under the weight of a secret so great and powerful. I think about you, the way a hungry person thinks of food, the way a poor person thinks of money, the way a gasping fish thinks of getting back into the water. I think of you, all the time, and I don’t know how to stop.
"I’ve lived & I’ve learned. All of my mistakes have made me who I am today. I’m not perfect & I won’t claim to be. I trust next to no one; almost everyone I have has let me down. I love my friends & they never fail to make me smile. My family means the world to me. I’m almost always happy & it takes a lot to make me cry. I don’t regret things because honestly, they were what I would have wanted at the time. I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of years because I’ve wanted too. I’m not going to change for anyone though, if I change, it’s for myself. Like it or leave it? I could care less."
True story. :)
I hate not spending more of my time with you today. You make me love you more and more when you care about me but most importantly, thank you for making me so happy everyday — the kind of happy that makes me cry and thank God for giving me the guy that complements me. God, thank you. :)