This shouldn’t be bothering you though.
I’m a year away from suffering the dreaded quarter life crisis. I’ve been in a constant struggle of deciphering what I really want to happen in my life and how I’ll work on my dreams. It’s a series of emotional turmoils, of drinking cocktails, beers and rhum, of waking up every single day trying to like your pointless job and of wondering what the future beholds when nothing actually makes sense as of the moment.
I’ve been lost for quite some time. I have a lot of things in mind and lots of dreams to work on. It’s been a hell of a crazy life we 20-something yuppies need to face. I used to earnestly plan my life with lots of goals being set. I used to think that after graduation I’ll be filthy rich wherein every summer I’m in the best tropical destination the world has to offer and I have lots and lots of cars to ride. Oh well. I also used to list my plans and be the most organized person ever. Guess what, I just ended up being too frustrated. That’s why I hate perfectionist people (check out my last tumblr blog entry where I rant about the perfectionists…).
It’s not what I really think it is. Life after college is a jungle. We need to thrive so that we can survive. Basically, we are bothered because we are still working on things that we’re not even sure if it’ll work or not. We finally realized that life after college is not actually that easy. But here’s the thing, being crazily paranoid of your future is pretty much normal at this age.
The best answer on why I’m single is the fact that I’m emotionally unavailable. I’m not a cold-hearted monster. I used to have a healthy, issue - free and happy heart. It’s been a decade since the last time my heart suffered its first breakage. I have no idea how I survived but I’m glad I did. I’ve been NBSB. I’m not even hard to deal with. I’ve been infatuated for quite some time and I’m now caring for someone who’s been special to me for quite some time now as well.
Let me share why I like this boy because the world needs to know how amazing he is. I like him because he knows how to deal with my weirdness. He’s not the typical boy. He’s a little high maintenance which stresses me occasionally. He cares in ways that touch my cold heart. He thawed all the stalactites and stalagmites on each corners of my heart — pretty much exaggerated but true. I prayed for us, for him, for me. I know that if we’ll end up together I need to adjust to his lifestyle. He’s the complete opposite of my dream guy. He has no abs nor muscles, triceps, biceps whatever it is that most gays drool for. He doesn’t look like Adam Levine. He doesn’t have a tattoo like Adam Levine. He’s not a poet. He’s not a caffeine addict. He’s not the smartest either… but I love him. He makes me happy. If you guys wonder why we can’t be together it’s because I have no idea if this feeling will last forever. I don’t know if I can deal with his demons. I don’t know if this is what I want. I don’t think I can chill each day, drink until the sun is up, rave my way to him and live like I have nothing to worry about. I usually can’t resist him. I can spare a couple of minutes to talk to him even if he’s drunk. We’ve drunk text each other couple of times and wake up like it didn’t happen. Mostly, we argue and laugh our ass out or I confront him with all the girls and gays being linked to him. Oh well. There are days when I asked myself if he’s the one I really want to be with for the rest of my life. My mom told me that she wants me to get married before she die and that I should marry someone who is not like dad. My mom told me it’s hard to marry someone with lots of vices. She doesn’t want me to be a spinster worst, widowed before 50.
I woke up today pondering on yesterday’s happenings. I was able to resist that urge to be with him because I need to set priorities. School is doing great and I have a deadline to meet so instead of chilling, I choose to finish my accounting system but God knows I’m distracted. He’s running in my mind 24/7 and my thoughts kept on loitering that it’s so hard to gather them all. I ended up mentally exhausted. It’s a battle between my emotions and my gift of reason. It’s crazy. Super crazy. Idk.
Bottomline : Stay single until you finally figure how it works. Don’t be in a relationship just because you’re lonely. I’m single because I fear hurt. I’m single because I don’t know if he’s my forever.
Again, oh well.
Dude… It’s part of growing up. I’ve realized that I’m not crazy. Emotions are simply surging during this time of our lives and it’s actually a prelude to being 25 wherein our hormones will be raging the most. Ahmayzing!
Anyhoo, just chill and trust God’s will. All of our issues today will surely make sense someday. Let’s not force it. Let’s just learn to live each day as chill as possible. Thy will be done. :)