The Chillerspot.

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I have no energy right now. I actually have lots of things all piled up and to-do list to work on. I am here in my room sulking and doing nothing. I am wallowed by my thoughts.

I feel like shit for no apparent reason.

Welcome to another episode of depression due to I have no idea. I just feel that despite of all the food probably great things that have happened I am still lost. I am still incomplete. I am still living a life far away from what I’ve imagined when I was fifteen. I know how this works, I shut people at home. I sleep, I cry, I pray, I write and I blog but I need to fix myself for work and put on my game face. Nobody is allowed to see my vulnerable side. I won’t let anyone know how my life works. I don’t trust so easily.

I am deciphering on how I’ll go about with my life because everything actually is still a little bit jaded. I know I’ll still save people but I cannot save my own self.

Monday.

64947

kushandwizdom:

More good vibes here

Reblogged 2 days ago from kushandwizdom

Sunday. 08.24.14

Quarter life crisis.

Dear God,

I know you know how much I’ve been through. I have no idea how I survived until now. It’s hard to juggle things and feel like a superhero. It sucks knowing people depend on you. I never appreciated myself too much though, what I know is that I am good and when I want something so badly, I worked hard for it until someone came along the way and told me that I’m actually good and can even be great. All of my life I wanted to achieve things to make my mom proud and I know I’ve accomplished that mission but it did not end there, I still feel so incomplete.

Here I am, writing away my feelings and acknowledge my sadness. I am sad despite all the good things that have come my way, maybe because I am getting tired of being a superhero and stop myself from saving people, from understanding, from helping … I’m tired of being like this for all the damn years I lived. I want someone to save
me. I want someone to take care of me and be with me in my quest to make this world better.

I can’t find him still.

It double sucks when you’ve found someone whom you really like but he has a different preference though. I am a sucker for a man who has that wit and that every conversation seems to have a lot of sense and is very mature enough in dealing life as we all know it.

Lastly, I know I’ve been blabbing about someone for years here but I just can’t really figure him out until I finally give up. If someone loves you, he’ll go after you… I guess it’s already too long and it’s better this way, to just simply care for someone and be buddies.

Oh God, I still don’t know how to go about my life but I don’t want depression to eat the best part of me. It’s a constant struggle. I’m stressed, I’m tired and I’m sad but I won’t give up because you’re there, my friends are there and life is still livable though.

Yeah. Thanks a lot Lord.

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"Sometimes,
despite all of the pain
and all of the suffering
I feel like I’ve grown.
I feel as though I’m
stronger than I used
to be. And I try to hold
on to that feeling; that
I’ve been through hell
and back again at least
for a reason."

m.l.b, stronger (via traced-veins)

Oh diba … I’m stronger and better now.

Reblogged 4 days ago from lovequotesrus

BRAINY.

The best feeling in this world is not when someone tells you that you are beautiful because I actually find it superficial but that moment when someone whispers and tell you that you are great, that you can be great.

I am elated by his words and was actually caught off guard. I’ve heard people telling me that I’m smart but never have I believed it as much as I do now. Thank you for telling me that I have a strong personality and very knowledgeable. Thank you for making me feel amazing as an individual. Coming from a brainy, well-learned, credible and fun person, I feel so grateful and humbled to be complimented by you.

Thanks for making this day extra special, I actually hugged you tight because I am so happy to hear those words, words of affirmation. I earned a great friend and I hope to get to know you more. I promised to work my way to success and I swear I’ll make use of my brains.


Thanks Mike. :)

20

Reblogging my post 2 years back because I still feel the same today. Haha

Reblogged 6 days ago from chillerspot

So, I’m Inlove

10 Definitive Ways To Tell You’re In Love With The Right Someone

http://elitedaily.com/dating/10-ways-know-youre-love-someone-dont-just-like/685279/ via @EliteDaily

So, here I go again with my weekly love thing.

I was scrolling my FB newsfeed looking for something that is actually quite interesting. The hopeless romantic side of me decided to click the link and voila I’m reading another love list that made me “awww”…. whatever.

I am a hypocrite if I say I never dreamt of my own happy ever after. I do. I will start investing soon not because I want to buy my own car but I want to finance that dream wedding I’m looking forward for years now. Technically, I’m single but God knows my heart did not feel that way. If you’re an avid follower of my blog then you’re a living testimony that indeed I’m in love with someone. I cannot deny it because of course I wrote about it. Anyways, it’s a little ironic though because of course I wanted my life to be private but I kept on writing and writing and writing about my feelings. I can’t help it though, it’s like my alter ego won’t stop until it gets all poured out. Now anyone online knows my oh so called love life. Do I need to rehashed it?  Nah, scroll down and explore my blog so you’ll know what I’m blabbering about.

Going back to square one, I found myself deluded by my thoughts. I’m stressed out with work, school, family and the list goes on and depression is haunting its way again but I won’t enslave myself again with negativity. It took me quite some time to battle my demons and I won’t be a slave of it over and over again. Enough said.

So, for someone like me who’s a commitment-phobe thinking about commitment is quite scary because I know it’s getting real this time. I think what I’m feeling right now is quite different from what I’ve ever felt before. I don’t actually know why but yes he’s the best part of my day… always. He’s always I want to text. He’s the one I think about, the one I care about and definitely the one I want to be with. He’s my best friend. It’s not an unrequited kind of thing though because he makes his way in my heart too. Who knows right ? I trust God on this.

It’s scary to find yourself in a very vulnerable state. I know how it feels to be broken, it’s devastating and I’m not ready for that. Geez.

If you ever find yourself in a situation when you’re already on the hooked and can no longer escape it, Good luck! I’m actually letting things happen because I must say he’s the only one that completes my day and I never loved someone as much as I love and value myself.

Cheers to the romantic ones, may they be happy with their “the one “!

Until next …

SCL

Just Because It’s Sunday…

Good morning says the sun and I’m in my room getting drowned by Spotify’s hottest tracks and my thoughts wandering into Nirvana.

I had an amazing dream that surely fueled me the energy to survive this day. My subconscious is telling me that I’m happy whenever we’re together doing nothing but laughing at each other and that we are always looking for good food. We look for food even in dreams.

Anyways, it’s not the meat of the matter here. You see I haven’t wrote about my feelings since last week perhaps. I am thankful for the positive changes in my life because I know I’ve wanted this. I admit I’m scared if I can pull this out well. I’ve said that it was a challenge accepted but I’m scared if I emerged victorious in the end. Of course, I will (ahuh ). I don’t want to pressure myself at all. I just want to enjoy my new role and I want to make the best of graduate school. I want to succeed in both worlds that I am in and even bargained God for a love life. My choices do not totally define me but I like my choices. I am determined enough to compel my life to its betterment. Only few knows my story and despite my positive demeanor lies some untold stories, some skeletons I hide just because… I trust only few people and only few knows my drama because truth be told, I prefer my life to be private. I hate explaining my life, this is my life - who cares right? It’s meant for people who would understand but never for those who judge.

I am thankful though for people who’ve accepted me for who I am. I recently told someone special about my life, my so called dysfunctional life only to realized that he too is facing a somewhat like battle. He accepted my story and even offered to help. I don’t know if I deserved such a beautiful soul but I know he was God given. I’ve thank God for him because unconsciously he helped me in closing some chapters of my life and live it as chill as possible. He’s my muse, the boy behind my posts… the boy I won’t get tired of loving and caring, the boy I want to spend the rest of my life with if God permits it. I’ve let go and let God decides what’s best. I don’t want to push it if it’s not meant to be. In God’s perfect time, I’ll be with my the one.

I still fear the word commitment though but slowly I am embracing its beauty and why it’s necessary.

Anyways, I’m blabbering again. The gist here is to just let things happen and never forced it. Trust his will no matter how tragic is happening in your life. I came from a point wherein being strong is the only choice I have and here I am right now, stained but better.

I remembered what have happened last summer. I feel shitty… at wits end kind of shit. I did my best in graduate school only to realized I will never graduate with honors anymore because of an academic issue I never intended to. I’ve learned things the hardest way and I don’t understand still why I deserved its consequences. I will not rehashed what have happened because of course… ill thoughts are poison that can kill my positive cells. I don’t hold grudges because its toxic so I rather forgive but never forget.

What’s the point of all of this, you might wonder. Yesterday, I was on my way to our classroom when I saw last year’s dean’s list. I checked my name but I was not able to find it. I shrugged it off because of course I know that my chance for the coveted honors no longer exist. I was literally shocked though when I found my name under the president’s list.

Lamb, Sharon Carol S.

I felt something within me. Elephants running amuck in my tummy and a sudden hangover like feeling. Oh shit.

Oh shit, again.

I’m not part of the Dean’s list but the President’s list — the highest amongst all and only 5 of us made it.

I want to rejoice but tidal waves of memories and my bitterness of what have happened last summer is splashing my conscious mind. I shifted from being giddy to early stages of depression. People congratulating me seems to be just bees buzzing, I couldn’t hear them because my thoughts were too loud as it screams away from the haunt of memories.

I thought I’ve moved on but nope, I’m in deep shit still. I guess I still can never get away from that feeling. Oh well.

Being accused as a cheater won’t define me. I know my worth. I know myself. I guess I’ll see the beauty of where I am someday when everything is well and it will all then make sense.

Here I am, drowned again by my thoughts and my emotions. I have lots of things to whine about but I have thousands of things to thank God for. Let me still fill the world with good vibes even if I have issues to face. It’s part of growing up, you know. :)


Until my next crazy post…

3662

Us. :)

Reblogged 2 weeks ago from kushandwizdom
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"I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours."

Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook (via kushandwizdom)

Makes me want to stay this to someone. :)

Reblogged 2 weeks ago from kushandwizdom
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