The Chillerspot.

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1

Dear God,

It’s been 4 months since the last time I write in my journal. I actually miss writing to you, sharing my thoughts about how I feel and telling you about everything.

I woke up at 3am with the urge to write just to say thank you. I always say thank you for all the good and bad things that happened to me. Who and where I am right now is a product of a beautiful past. At first, I don’t understand why it should happen to me. I’ve been always asking to the point of blaming you for all the pain I’ve felt. I guess it’s about time to close that chapter I left open for almost a decade.

I’m definitely sure that in order for me to totally move forward is to finally know the truth.  It’s one brave act to go back to the past and finally slam and lock the door.

Today, I’m pretty much sure of my feelings. I love someone for the past year and whether we’ll end up together or not, I’m happy he became a part of my life. He helped me unconsciously in fixing my broken parts. He made me happy when I’m about to give up. He has issues, some are vices that scare me and are hindering my decision to finally give it a shot.

You know how much I pray God. You know how much I write about my prayers before. I know you know how much I want him to conquer his demons.  I want him to change but I don’t want to force it either. I accepted him for who he is and I know he knows the consequences of what he’s doing today. I don’t want to be like a mother who’ll constantly remind him of what’s right and what’s wrong. I want to be his partner, someone who’ll be with him no matter what. Together, we’ll fight those demons. If he only knew how happy I am tonight knowing that at 3 am he’s not wasted. I pray he’ll finally get over this kind of lifestyle.

God, thanks for everything. Thank you for your love and guidance as I was able to survive life’s challenges for 24 years. I never valued money until I got nothing. I never had the chance to get to know my dad for long. My life is a little bit dysfunctional. I have lots and lots of questions but I dread the answers. Whatever.

Anyhoo, thanks again. I apologize for those days when I questioned your will. Your plans are way better than mine. All I need is to be positive. Life’s not actually perfect but I’m definitely happy today because my God didn’t give up on me.  When I’m in pain and things don’t go my way, I always tell myself that someday it’ll all make sense.

Love,

Carol <3

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Reblogged 2 weeks ago from leilockheart

Some Things That Bother You at 24

This shouldn’t be bothering you though.

Oh well.

I’m a year away from suffering the dreaded quarter life crisis. I’ve been in a constant struggle of deciphering what I really want to happen in my life and how I’ll work on my dreams. It’s a series of emotional turmoils, of drinking cocktails, beers and rhum, of waking up every single day trying to like your pointless job and of wondering what the future beholds when nothing actually makes sense as of the moment.

Being Lost.

I’ve been lost for quite some time. I have a lot of things in mind and lots of dreams to work on.  It’s been a hell of a crazy life we 20-something yuppies need to face. I used to earnestly plan my life with lots of goals being set. I used to think that after graduation I’ll be filthy rich wherein every summer I’m in the best tropical destination the world has to offer and I have lots and lots of cars to ride. Oh well. I also used to list my plans and be the most organized person ever. Guess what, I just ended up being too frustrated. That’s why I hate perfectionist people (check out my last tumblr blog entry where I rant about the perfectionists…).

It’s not what I really think it is. Life after college is a jungle. We need to thrive so that we can survive.  Basically, we are bothered because we are still working on things that we’re not even sure if it’ll work or not. We finally realized that life after college is not actually that easy. But here’s the thing,  being crazily paranoid of your future is pretty much normal at this age.

Being Single.

The best answer on why I’m single is the fact that I’m emotionally unavailable. I’m not a cold-hearted monster. I used to have a healthy, issue - free and happy heart.  It’s been a decade since the last time my heart suffered its first breakage. I have no idea how I survived but I’m glad I did. I’ve been NBSB. I’m not even hard to deal with. I’ve been infatuated for quite some time and I’m now caring for someone who’s been special to me for quite some time now as well.

Let me share why I like this boy because the world needs to know how amazing he is.  I like him because he knows how to deal with my weirdness. He’s not the typical boy.  He’s a little high maintenance which stresses me occasionally. He cares in ways that touch my cold heart. He thawed all the stalactites and stalagmites on each corners of my heart — pretty much exaggerated but true.  I prayed for us, for him, for me. I know that if we’ll end up together I need to adjust to his lifestyle. He’s the complete opposite of my dream guy. He has no abs nor muscles, triceps, biceps whatever it is that most gays drool for. He doesn’t look like Adam Levine. He doesn’t have a tattoo like Adam Levine.  He’s not a poet. He’s not a caffeine addict. He’s not the smartest either…  but I love him. He makes me happy. If you guys wonder why we can’t be together it’s because I have no idea if this feeling will last forever. I don’t know if I can deal with his demons. I don’t know if this is what I want.  I don’t think I can chill each day, drink until the sun is up, rave my way to him and live like I have nothing to worry about. I usually can’t resist him. I can spare a couple of minutes to talk to him even if he’s drunk. We’ve drunk text each other couple of times and wake up like it didn’t happen. Mostly, we argue and laugh our ass out or I confront him with all the girls and gays being linked to him. Oh well. There are days when I asked myself if he’s the one I really want to be with for the rest of my life. My mom told me that she wants me to get married before she die and that I should marry someone who is not like dad. My mom told me it’s hard to marry someone with lots of vices. She doesn’t want me to be a spinster worst, widowed before 50.

I woke up today pondering on yesterday’s happenings. I was able to resist that urge to be with him because I need to set priorities. School is doing great and I have a deadline to meet so instead of chilling, I choose to finish my accounting system but God knows I’m distracted. He’s running in my mind 24/7 and my thoughts kept on loitering that it’s so hard to gather them all. I ended up mentally exhausted. It’s a battle between my emotions and my gift of reason.  It’s crazy. Super crazy. Idk.

Bottomline : Stay single until you finally figure how it works. Don’t be in a relationship just because you’re lonely. I’m single because I fear hurt. I’m single because I don’t know if he’s my forever.

Again, oh well. 

Being Crazy.

Dude…  It’s part of growing up. I’ve realized that I’m not crazy.  Emotions are simply surging during this time of our lives and it’s actually a prelude to being 25 wherein our hormones will be raging the most. Ahmayzing!

Anyhoo, just chill and trust God’s will. All of our issues today will surely make sense someday. Let’s not force it. Let’s just learn to live each day as chill as possible. Thy will be done.  :)

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(Source: fuckyeahsubversivekawaii)

Reblogged 2 weeks ago from riseafterfalling

I love you but I’m not easy and will never be. 

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kushandwizdom:

Good Vibes HERE

Reblogged 2 weeks ago from langleav
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Yes to this! :)

Reblogged 2 weeks ago from staypozitive

2

You’re my soul mate.
We’re almost the same in thoughts, in ways and in beliefs.
Sometimes I wished we can start all over that maybe my feelings are still there… but I can no longer recall any emotions.

I hope I can.

I hope I will.

It seems that my heart has been stolen multiple times, got knocked off thrice and injured so bad it can no longer recall the past only the present.

It’s a comfortable kind of happiness I have right now - -a safe haven… but it’s like loving a tamed monster. Idk if he’ll hurt me or not but he now has the authority.

I can’t afford another heartbreak.  I just can’t. 

Sunday Night and I Want To Write Just Because I Hate Perfectionist People

The world is UNFAIR!
You got to understand that the world we live in won’t work your way. There are lots and lots of factors why it won’t work according to your perfect plans and expectations. It’s not even a happy place because it’s full of dramas and bullshits. Life is a game and we’re on different levels. We encounter hell on earth most of the time, dealing with different kinds of devil but you got to accept it. You got to learn how to chill.

It’s not perfect.

It’s a very sad place to live in. You’re swamp with work, has a pointless career life and problems that make you insane.

It’s a crappy life we all have here. We have our own issues to face — Yes, each of us has our own cross to carry.  Some of us maybe luckier than the other. Some may be richer and some may be living a less dysfunctional life. Oh well.

My point here is to make you “perfectionist”  “people understand that this world ain’t perfect and will never be. You can’t whine and whine on things and people if they don’t conform to your standards. You are simply stressing yourself on things that are actually unimportant. You’re the type of people who pisses me off with your high expectations on everything. Your standards suck — God accepts everyone regardless of where they came from. 

What I’m saying here is to simply loosen up.  I apologized to people whose idea of happiness is to manipulate things according to their own standards because you’ll just end up hating me.  I’m born to fill the world with good vibes.  I’m here not to conform with any body’s expectations. I drink because I love alcohol. I might do drugs for the sake of experiencing it.  I don’t smoke because I don’t want to and I don’t need to explain why. I achieve things because I worked hard for it without stepping on other people’s shoes. I am my own toughest competitor.

I live my life in the most unconventional way as I can imagine. I’m an ambivert — a balance between two extremes, a happy -  go - lucky person whose idea of living is to inspire others. I like how imperfect the world can be because I know that everything happens for a reason that if today your life is so pointless, tomorrow it’ll be a lot more different. Someday it’ll make sense and you’ll thank God why it didn’t work according to your plan.

There’s always a greater plan. :)

I’m a chill kid. I haven’t find my dream job yet. I don’t even know if we’ll end up together or not but I have this guy who makes me happier than I was before. I have problems that take away my sanity and issues I got to face but my spirit lives on.

Tough people like me don’t give up easily. I’ve accepted the world as it is. I danced gracefully to the beat of life. Overall, I’m happy to be alive and experience the beauty of living in a world full of flaws.  I’ve become better every time I hurdle life’s obstacles. I’m getting used of this dramas and failures. I learned to expect less and prepare for the worst. I learned how to be mature enough in dealing with life in general but I’m still like a child… full of wonders, full of life.

Oh well.

I miss writing. It’s been a while since the last time I write or type my thoughts on this electronic sheet of paper. It’s been a while since my heart wanted to express itself triggering my central nervous system to thread the words I might be needing.

It’s a rainy Sunday night and I’m bored to death.  Might as well grab that lonely beer in the fridge and listen to Krewella’s fun beat to start my summer. I’ll worry my accounting paper tomorrow.

Au revoir!

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Oooooooh. :)

Reblogged 3 weeks ago from icanrelateto
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